Memoirs of a Lost Dream
by Scuttlepants
Summary: A collection of moments in time surrounding Elsa's unrequited love for Anna. [elsanna, related, mAU]


**A/N: **First fanfiction I've ever written. Hope you enjoy it, and if you have any feedback I would love to hear it. Big thanks to my beta u/Aether_nb over on Reddit. I almost certainly wouldn't have posted this without them, and it would definitely be less good. Also I don't own shit.

**March 3****rd****, 2019**

She hadn't meant to; she hadn't wanted to — well a part of her had. Elsa softly cursed herself. She'd promised herself she wouldn't bring it up, wouldn't put that on Anna again.

_The heart is not so easily changed. _

She shook her head ruefully at the remembered words. Several years ago, Anna discovered that her boyfriend at the time, Hans, had cheated on her. Months after the breakup she admitted tearfully to Elsa that a part of her still loved him. Despite her revulsion, Elsa understood; when you commit to loving someone, you can't just turn it off, regardless of how heinous they turn out to be.

Now, in her car outside Anna's apartment, she looked back on that moment with new recognition coupled with a newfound loathing for that truth. It's one thing to know something, another thing entirely to _feel_ it.

Rain pattered against her windshield as she stared blankly at Anna's apartment, hoping to catch one more glimpse of her. _What are you doing? _Squeezing her eyes shut, she tried to take a deep breath as her lip trembled and a tear slid down her cheek. _Why did I have to put her through that again? Fucking stupid. What the fuck is wrong with me? Should have known better, should have kept it inside. _Her thoughts still roiling, Elsa started the engine and began to pull out of the parking lot, hoping that driving would distract her.

The engine of the old VW Golf rattled loudly, displeased with not having time to warm up. She knew she should replace the car — it was too old and not particularly safe anymore — but she relished the character of the beater she had named Olaf. However, as the radio clicked on like it always did and the sound of Coldplay's "Yellow" reverberated through the speakers, Elsa truly despised it.

The song struck a chord in Elsa, and her whole body tensed as her heart began to ache. It was too late by the time she slammed the power button. _For you? God, Anna, I'd do anything for you. _

The effect of the song negated any potential benefit from driving. Tears flowed freely as she drove aimlessly, not ready to go home. The tirade of her thoughts continued to grow, and she allowed herself to slip into familiar self-loathing. She knew she shouldn't, knew she could at least lessen the oppressive thoughts, but she also knew it distracted her from the reality of Anna's impending marriage.

**March 18****th****, 2019**

Elsa had always been reclusive; she liked to have _her _time to read a book or watch a show. It helped her relax and recharge from the stresses of life. She liked spending time with people too, but infrequently, and so she had garnered a reputation as something of a shut-in and a loner, or at worst a misanthrope. This was of course not true — except maybe when it came to parties and crowds.

Anna's bachelorette party by all accounts wasn't that large or oppressive in its own right, but it was _Anna's _bachelorette party, making it the most unpleasant party Elsa had yet experienced.

Hiding on the edge of the room, she knocked back a shot of rum, grimacing as it burned down her throat. She felt her anxiety and fear retreat a little as the alcohol warmed her blood and loosened up the vice that gripped her heart. The rhythmic thumping of the music was simultaneously a welcome distraction from her own thoughts, and an aggravation to them.

She looked over at Anna, laughing and dancing with Tiana and Rapunzel. _She looks happy, really happy. _Elsa smiled to herself, not letting her mind wander to why her sister was so joyous. _Don't be a selfish bitch, tonight is about her. Just be happy for her!_ But the thoughts weighed on her mind despite her attempts to shove them aside. Cursing any and all gods, she knocked back another shot, and with a large mental shove she pulled herself away from the fringe of the party and went to dance with Anna and the rest of her friends.

She twirled, jumped around, and headbanged to music. Her platinum blonde hair was usually up in a braid, but tonight it hung loose, swinging with the motions of her body as she forced herself to dance. _For_ _you_. In truth Elsa hated dancing — well hated dancing in front of people. She repeatedly had to force down the thought of what she must look like to everyone else at the party. She wasn't here for them; she wasn't doing this for them.

Catching Anna's eyes as she danced Elsa couldn't help but give her a warm smile. _God, she looks beautiful._ Anna's brilliant copper hair shone and glittered in the light of the dance floor, her cheeks were flushed, and her eyes twinkled with the delight of one at peace. Elsa surprised herself by temporarily getting lost in the music. She danced by herself, she danced in a crowd of other girls, and she got to dance with Anna, bringing that goofy smile back to her face. _You make me happy Anna. _She tried to convey through her eyes, but she couldn't tell if the younger girl picked up on it.

Towards the end of the night the music was turned down and all the guests that were not part of the bridal party left. The remaining girls gathered in a circle and, starting with Rapunzel on Anna's left, they went around sharing stories of Anna and imparting a blessing for her upcoming marriage.

Elsa sat on Anna's right, and as it drew closer to her turn to talk, she felt her heart beat faster and faster. Her palms started to sweat and she nervously crossed her arms in front of her stomach as it clenched in fear. And then it was her turn.

Taking a deep breath, she looked at Anna and saw a combination of guilt and remorse deep in her eyes. _She knows how hard this is for me. Poor girl, she doesn't deserve this, she shouldn't have that weighing on her._

She forced herself to uncross her arms and then hesitantly began to talk. She spoke as if to the room, but her eyes were locked on Anna. She recounted stories of Anna as a young girl who would always bother her sister to come and play with her. They had grown up in Maine, and with the high rate of snowfall, playing outside and building snowmen had been one of Anna's favorite activities — and she had always wanted Elsa to join her. _Simpler times; happier times. _She recalled the joy Anna found in the simple aspects of life, which the redhead then imparted to those around her. She told of Anna's kind heart and how she always tried to help people see the glass half-full.

"I could never have asked for a better sister," Elsa swallowed the lump that formed in her throat as she forced out the next words, "and you'll be the best wife anyone could ever ask for." She paused looking deep into Anna's teal eyes, putting her soul, her heart, into her next words.

"I love you."

The rest of the bridal party cooed at the cuteness of the sisterly love. Only Anna and Elsa knew the truth and weight behind those three simple words.

When it came time to clean up, Elsa excused herself and hurried to the bathroom. Locking herself in a stall, she held her hand over her mouth to stifle the sobs that came pouring out as her heart crumbled.

_Oh Anna, why couldn't it be me? _

**September 14****th****, 2015**

It had been three years since their parents passed. Elsa was now 21 and had finally saved up enough to move out of her aunt and uncle's and get her own apartment. Much to her surprise and dismay, Anna all but begged to move in with her. She promised Elsa she would help pay for rent, and would give the blonde the space she needed, and clean up after herself. Despite her better judgement, Elsa couldn't bring herself to say no.

Today they were moving in. It wasn't a long or difficult process. Aside from their beds and dressers, neither of the girls owned any furniture and clothes were easy to move, all things considered. After depositing their possessions in the small apartment, they went out to the local Target to buy some of the essentials.

Despite her low budget, Elsa let Anna persuade her to purchase a truly huge beanbag for the living room. She had always had a hard time saying no to the younger girl, especially when she got exuberant about the small joys of life, as was her tendency.

They had to drop off the small horde of items they'd already gotten before returning to get the beanbag due to the space in Elsa's tiny car. Even so, it was quite a mission getting the giant cloud to fit so the trunk could close. Sweating lightly, Elsa grinned at her sister as they started to head back.

"Wanna get some food?" she asked suddenly. It was evening now, and although Elsa was exhausted from moving and shopping, she found that the cute ball of energy in her passenger seat fortified her.

Anna initially seemed surprised, but quickly moved past it as eagerness took over. "Fuck yeah I want to get some food!" she affirmed.

Elsa giggled at her sister's exclamation and navigated them to a nearby Chipotle. They grabbed some burritos to go, and Elsa quickly stopped by a nearby grocery store to grab some wine and chocolate for the pair. She had spent a lot more that day than she should have, but at that moment, as they drove back to their apartment with the sun beginning to set, she didn't mind.

They immediately dug into the burritos after struggling to get the beanbag through the door. Their laughter was loud and free as they enjoyed the freedom of having their own place for the first time. The night wore on and they broke out the wine and chocolate, sharing them on the beanbag. As the wine began to take hold, it wasn't long before Anna was begging Elsa to dance with her. She put on a song that the blonde didn't recognize and moved her body to the beat, enticing her now flustered sister.

Elsa felt herself blush as she watched Anna twist in front of her, an outstretched hand beckoning for Elsa to join in. _Damn, how can she be this fucking cute and sexy? _Elsa playfully pretended to consider it before smirking and joining Anna, and she danced as she only did when she was with her sister.

Elsa didn't know how long they danced, nor did she care. She felt happy; she felt hopeful for the future, and for once she allowed herself to live in that moment. Eventually they tired of dancing and flopped back onto the beanbag. Sweaty and smiling, they finished off the wine and chocolate as they talked late into the night, sharing memories and dreams of the future.

By the time Elsa felt compelled to go to bed, she was feeling quite tipsy. Elsa helped Anna stand only to have the younger girl stumble and catch herself on her slightly more sober sister. Elsa chuckled and teased her about being a lightweight as she helped her towards her room. To her surprise, Anna instead steered herself toward Elsa's room.

"Your bed's comfier," she mumbled when questioned.

Elsa laughed and acquiesced to her sister's unspoken request. She knew it wasn't a good idea. She knew that it would only make things more difficult for herself, but with the help of the wine, she pushed aside her rational mind and helped Anna into her bed.

After climbing in herself, Anna immediately rolled over and cuddled up next to her. "Love you sis," she mumbled drowsily.

Elsa's heart hammered at the words, though she knew Anna had no idea what they meant to her.

"I love you too," she whispered back.

Burying her doubts, she cuddled up with Anna and allowed herself to enjoy the moment, dreaming that maybe, just maybe, Anna reciprocated her affection.

**March 21****st****, 2019**

It had been a trying day for Elsa. Anna's wedding was tomorrow, which was almost too much for her in and of itself. In addition, she had been helping setup the decorations in a local gymnasium where the reception was to be hosted. After several hours, she then had to go to rehearsal for the wedding. She desperately wished there was some way she could get out of it; she was already going to have to go through this tomorrow. But as Anna's maid of honor she knew that wasn't an option.

Anna looked beautiful — she always did — and Elsa only had eyes for her as the wedding party was walked through the specifics of when to walk up the aisle, what pace to move at, and other small details that Elsa couldn't remember.

Now, at the rehearsal dinner, Elsa sat next to Anna, her fiancé Kristoff on her other side. _At least I don't have to look at him. _She was hardly able to eat anything, despite the very delicious food that was prepared. Her stomach clenched and what little she forced down was due to decorum, not wanting to appear rude.

Taking a large gulp of champagne, Elsa tried to distract herself by chatting with Rapunzel. Unsurprisingly, this wasn't very effective. Elsa had nothing against the young girl. Aside from Elsa she was Anna's best friend, but she had an annoying habit of bringing the conversation back around to Anna and Kristoff.

"Oh my gosh look how cute they are!" she squealed when Anna and Kristoff leaned against each other for a picture.

"Yeah, she is very cute," Elsa spoke before she could think, but thankfully Rapunzel appeared to think nothing of the comment. _Why would she? Sisters find each other cute__—__that's normal… just not like I do. _

The rest of Rapunzel's chatter faded from her mind as her anxious thoughts overshadowed everything else. It seemed impossible to escape the dread of the next day, when it would become final.

_There's no chance for me 24 hours from now_. She was deluding herself and she knew it. Anna had been extremely clear about where she stood, and Elsa knew that wouldn't change — she knew it shouldn't. And if she was being honest with herself, as much as she despised the fact that Anna was marrying someone else, she liked Kristoff. He was a kind and sincere man who she knew would do right by her sister and look after her. _At least it's not that piece of shit Hans,_ she consoled herself.

The night wore on and Elsa surprised herself by staying later than most of the other guests. Deep down she knew why but refused to let her mind go there — she couldn't afford to suffer those feelings right now. Finally, it came time for her to head back to her apartment — the same apartment she and Anna moved into four years ago. _I'd give anything to go back to those days_.

"Elsa?" Came the soft voice.

Elsa steeled herself and turned around putting her coat on as she did, letting Anna know she wasn't staying long. "Yes?"

Anna paused, chewing on her lower lip before speaking, "I know… I know tomorrow is going to be hard for you. I—"

"Anna," she interrupted, "I appreciate your concern, I do, but I'll be fine." She gave her sister a smile that even she knew was unconvincing.

_This is tearing me apart; I don't know how to deal with it._

Anna persisted, ignoring Elsa's weak attempt at consolation. "I know things are going to be different between us. I mean, I don't want them to be, wait no, I mean not like that…" the flustered girl trailed off, hanging her head.

_Anna… please don't make this harder. _

Elsa reached out a hand and gently cupped her sister's cheek, "I know what you mean. I don't want things to change either, but some things will have to." _I don't know how I'll be able to be around you. _

Anna raised her head and with a start Elsa realized she was crying. "I just don't want to lose you."

_Ouch._

With immense force of will, Elsa held back the tears that threatened to overpower her. Leaning forward, she tenderly kissed her sister's forehead. "You won't Anna, I promise."

_Liar. _

By the time Elsa reached her car, tears were already streaking down her face.

**June 28****th****, 2016**

"Fuck him!" Anna snarled. "He can go fuck whoever he wants for all I care, and I don't!" she declared, despite clear evidence to the contrary.

Anna and Hans had broken up a couple months ago now. She had healed a lot, but there were still nights when her fury and sadness came bubbling out. On these nights Elsa would buy them a bottle of wine and some chocolate to share and would listen to her sister, comforting her as best she could.

This night shouldn't have been different, but for some reason Elsa was having a harder time keeping her _true _feelings for her sister under wraps. The alcohol certainly didn't help.

"Yeah, he can go suck a dick!" Elsa blushed at her crudeness, but Anna didn't seem to mind.

"He can suck all the dicks! He's a dick sucking dick!"

Elsa chuckled at Anna's words, and the redhead soon joined in after processing the ridiculousness of her statement.

Despite the heavy atmosphere of Han's betrayal, Elsa found herself quite happy at that moment. She knew a part of her relished in hearing her fiery sister trash talk her ex, but more than that, as she listened to and consoled Anna she began to notice how much happier her sister seemed.

Anna had been a mess for weeks after she learned of Han's infidelity, but before long the high-capacity emotion subsided into a simmering depression. It had hurt Elsa deeply to see Anna go through that, and so she put extra effort and time into looking after her. It had been necessary to push down her desire for Anna during this time; she knew that she had to let it go temporarily in order to help her sister as best she could.

Seeing Anna smile freely again as her bubbly personality resurfaced awoke all of Elsa's yearning. _How are you so pure?_As the night wore on Elsa couldn't help but marvel at her effervescent sister; a part of her knew she shouldn't stare, but a larger part didn't care.

"Elsa? What are you looking at? Oh shit, did I spill?" The question hit Elsa by surprise; she hadn't expected Anna to notice her fixation.

"What? N-n-no, I just, I was just counting your freckles," she said blushing.

_The fuck? Counting her freckles? Jesus girl, get yourself under control, that's barely hiding what you were really doing. _

Anna frowned slightly, perhaps picking up on the subtext, but she didn't comment on it. Laughing it off, Anna asked how many she had.

"Oh uh, I don't know I lost track. Probably like hundreds! No wait, that might be too much—" thankfully Elsa didn't have to finish, as Anna interrupted her with a hearty chuckle, which she joined in on after a brief pause.

"You're really cute when you get flustered you know," Anna managed to get out after her giggles subsided.

_Shit shit shit. She thinks I'm cute? _

"Anna..." Elsa stopped to take a fortifying gulp of wine. _What are you doing? _Teal eyes looked at her expectantly.

Her heart went into overdrive and adrenaline began to course through her veins. She knew it was a bad idea, knew it wouldn't — couldn't end well. But she felt reckless; she had held this down for too long, and with the help of the alcohol she didn't let herself second guess.

"I-I love you." Elsa poured her heart into those words, all of her love, all of her adoration. She had never felt so exposed.

Anna smiled.

_Oh shit!_

"I love you too sis!" Anna grinned widely and pulled her sister in for a warm hug.

The tension in Elsa's body did not abate, though the hug was not unwelcome.

"No, I mean, I mean like…" Elsa didn't know how to say it, how to convey what she truly meant.

_Fuck it, it's too late now_.

Keeping her eyes on Anna's she slowly leaned forward and joined their lips, and for a moment everything was perfect.

**March 2****nd****, 2019**

She didn't allow herself to think about why she was really there. Some part of her knew she was lying to herself, but the pertinent part of her didn't care.

_Knock knock. _

Anna immediately took in the older girl's puffy eyes and nervous posture upon opening the door.

"Elsa? What's wrong? Are you okay?" She said as she ushered her sister inside.

"Is Kristoff home?" Elsa winced at the fear and hesitation even she could hear in her voice.

Closing the door behind the blonde, Anna frowned briefly before answering: "no, he's out with Sven. What's up?"

_She knows. Of course she knows. _

Now that she was here, Elsa wasn't actually sure what to say. She knew what she wanted to say, but an increasingly small part of her fought against that. So instead of speaking, she opened her arms, silently asking for a hug as tears started to fall from her eyes again.

Elsa didn't know what it was about that night that brought all of it up for her. Her sister's engagement had been difficult for her from the beginning, but that night she had found herself curled up in the room that had been Anna's, rocking back and forth as her fear, sorrow, and self-loathing spiraled out of control.

_She can't, she can't, how could she do this to me! _Heartache twisted her perception of her sister's actions, and she knew it. A small voice in the depths of her heart tried to speak reason into the frenzied blonde, but she willed her mind to ignore it.

_ I'm not ready to let you go._

The thought came with surprising clarity and was accompanied by a fresh bout of soul-wracking sobs. This was the truth, and the admission of it drove home just how deeply Elsa loved her sister. _There's no chance after the wedding. _

Before she could second guess herself Elsa had rushed out of her apartment and into her car, making her way to Anna. The courage was short-lived. Halfway through the drive Elsa had already convinced herself she wouldn't go through with it. _I'm only going to her for comfort._

Now, wrapped in Anna's arms, Elsa felt all her resolve crumble as the warmth of her sister seeped into her, alleviating some of the pain. But the hammering of her heart and the tension in her bones demanded she say something and so she regretfully pulled back from the embrace.

"Anna," the words were whispered, barely audible between the tears, "I-I need you."

_You can do better than that._

She didn't have to. Anna may have already suspected why her sister was there, but on hearing the words, understanding the subtext, she immediately took a step back, her face and body stiffening. Elsa winced at the sight, regret and shame already percolating.

"Elsa… please, I—"

"Let me finish, please?" Elsa was surprised at the steadiness in her voice. _You have to finish this. _The redhead nodded hesitantly, and Elsa let it all out.

"I love you Anna! I love you with all my heart. Every inch of me wants you; I want to be with you. And, and I-I," she had to pause, gasping to swallow the lump in her throat as she struggled to say the next words. "I know it's selfish, and I hate myself and I'm sorry I'm such a bad sister, but please, please don't — you can't marry him!"

There was silence between the two, softly broken by Elsa's sniffles as both girls processed what she just said.

What pieces were left of Elsa's heart shattered as she saw the younger girl's blank face crack and tears start to spill from her beautiful eyes, but she remained still, waiting for the response she dreaded.

"I couldn't — I won't do that to Kristoff."

_ Shit. _

"I-I mean, Elsa, you know I love you, but I thought we had talked about this?"

Elsa wasn't sure if Anna was actually expecting a response, but she gave one: "I know, I'm sorry Anna, I'm so sorry. I just, I didn't think, I just couldn't let you go without asking." She bit her lip sharply as she finished. _Asking? You demanded she leave him. God, why am I such a piece of shit? _

Tears were streaming down Anna's face freely now. "Elsa, we can't … I can't. And I'm so sorry for giving you hope, but I—" The rest of the words were drowned out in the memory that forced its way to the front of Elsa's mind.

Anna had kissed her. She initiated it; she told Elsa that maybe they could be something as she looked into her eyes; warm teal meeting icy blue. It had been over two years since that night, but the memory never lost its luster, never faded from Elsa's mind. She kept it secure; she relived it daily, knowing it was unhealthy. She couldn't let it go.

"Elsa? Please say something." The pleading tone cut through to Elsa and panic set in as she recalled what her beloved Anna had said.

"I understand." The words were thickly laced with grief, anguish, and shame.

"Oh Elsa, I still love you, I'll always love you, just… not like that." The redhead's attempt at comfort was counteracted by the agonizing clarification.

_Of course not. Why would she? She shouldn't want to be in a relationship with her own sister. Anna wouldn't want to live a lie; pretending to not be something she is. _Despite the rationality of her thoughts, Elsa was overcome with despair.

"Anna… I love you too. I-I understand, and I'm sorry I brought it up. It was stupid, I shouldn't have put this on you." Elsa could tell her sister hurt for her, but the redhead kept her distance.

"Y-yes. You shouldn't have, Elsa. Please, I… can you leave, please?"

Elsa nodded, not trusting her voice, then turned to leave — never having even taken off her coat.

Stepping out into the cold rain felt appropriate. _You've really fucked it up this time. _

Elsa lay in her bed crying until the sun broke the horizon; when she finally passed out into sweet oblivion, it was from sheer exhaustion.

**January 13th, 2017**

Elsa didn't know how they got to this point — not really. Anna was in tears, her face contorted into a grimace of pain; nothing hurt Elsa more.

It took Anna a while to truly get over their first kiss. They talked about it the day after; it wasn't Anna's way to ignore issues or avoid necessary conversations. Elsa had sobbed and apologized, and Anna had avoided touching her. All things considered, Elsa was glad Anna hadn't moved out right then, but it had taken several weeks before things regained any sense of normalcy.

One day about a month later, Anna had walked into Elsa's room and asked her sister to help her understand. Hesitantly, Elsa revealed the love she'd held for years. She told Anna all the little things she loved about her: her smile, her ever-present enthusiasm, her freckles, and her kindness. She told her sister how all these things came together to make her the most beautiful person Elsa had ever known; by the end, Elsa could hear the pleading for acceptance in her voice. Anna had seemed surprised by the intensity of her sister's feelings, but after some more discussion, Elsa's tension was alleviated as the redhead had hugged her for the first time since the kiss.

From that night onward, things stabilized between the pair, to a degree. Anna was hesitant about touching Elsa again for a while, and the redhead flinched when Elsa finally said "I love you" again. Despite these setbacks, Elsa was grateful Anna didn't alienate her — more than anything she didn't want to lose her sister, her best friend.

The months inched by and the sisters slowly regained a sense of their previous camaraderie, but it never felt quite the same. It was an unspoken agreement between the two to avoid acknowledging Elsa's feelings in their day-to-day lives, and Elsa tried, she really did. But no matter how much she knew she shouldn't push it, she couldn't escape the fact that Anna hadn't said no.

She knew it was a dangerous line she walked, but the blonde found herself unable to avoid hugging Anna for slightly longer than before, or being slightly more affectionate with her compliments and encouragements. To Elsa's suppressed delight, a few times late into the night Anna inquired about Elsa's feelings for her. The questions were always innocent in nature, but Elsa relished these moments; she allowed herself to dream that maybe the redhead was considering it. She wasn't wrong.

It happened on New Year's Day. The girls decided to stay at their apartment for New Year's Eve, wanting to have a small and personal celebration. They drank champagne as they talked about the past year and what the next might have in store. They were tipsy by the time the clock read 11:57.

"You know, it's a bummer neither of us have anyone to kiss for New Year's."

Elsa froze in the middle of uncorking a new bottle of champagne. _What the fuck did she just say? Is she—no she can't be. But…_

"Y-yeah, maybe it'll be different next year," Elsa winced at the trepidation in her voice.

She tried to focus on uncorking the champagne, but her hands were shaking and her heart was fluttering as all her unbidden hopes and desires rushed to the surface. She heard Anna get up from their beanbag and move over to her, and at that moment she wouldn't have been surprised if she fainted.

"Yeah, there is always next year, but you know I don't have that kind of patience."

Elsa couldn't believe her ears. _I must be imagining this, there's no way. _Hesitantly she turned to look at Anna, and was astonished to see a sultry gleam in her eyes, matching the tone of her voice.

Elsa stood there for what felt like ages, staring wide-eyed at her sister as she tried to process what was happening. _This can't be real, or she's testing me, or I've gone off the deep end and I'm hallucinating all of this... shit what do I say? _Her thoughts were interrupted when Anna reached out a hand and gently stroked her sister's arm, maintaining eye contact.

"A-Anna, I-I… I don't know what—" Elsa's words were cut off as Anna suddenly leaned forward and caught her lips in a fiery kiss. _Holy shit holy shit!_

The champagne fell from her limp hands onto the tiles of the kitchen floor. Thankfully the bottle didn't break, but the pressure forced the cork out with a loud _pop_, and champagne spewed out onto the floor. The pair didn't pay any mind as Elsa wrapped her arms around the redhead and surrendered to her deepest desires.

The two weeks after were the best of Elsa's life. They had talked later that night, and Anna revealed that she was willing to give it a try. Elsa wanted to press Anna for clarity, but a roiling fear of rejection kept it inside. And so the days passed by in a blur of passionate making out and whispers of love as they cuddled late into the night.

Now, Elsa felt her heart disintegrate as she came crashing back to reality. _Of course she doesn't want you, how could you be so stupid? _It had been a lapse in judgement; in a bout of ardent kissing, she had let her hand slip under her sister's dress. A part of her was aware that she couldn't have known Anna would react so poorly, and another part knew that this would happen.

"Elsa, I-I, I don't know what else to say," Anna's strained voice broke into her thoughts.

Steeling herself, Elsa looked into Anna's eyes, looking for something—anything to give her hope. _She doesn't want this — fuck!_

"Anna…" Elsa had to swallow several times to get past the dry lump that formed in her throat. "I, well… you know what I want, and you know how I feel," she paused hoping the redhead would interject, but silence filled the still room. _This isn't happening. This can't be happening!_

Sobs tore from her chest as a small part of her began to accept the truth. "Anna, I want you to be happy more than anything. I love you with all my heart, a-a-and," pathetic whimpers escaped her mouth as she paused and forced herself to take a deep, trembling breath. "If you won't — if you can't, then that is what you should do." _Please please please don't, don't do it, don't leave me. You can't, you can't fucking do this to me!_

Elsa could see the anguish in her sister's eyes as she spoke: "I'm so, so sorry Elsa! God, I'm an idiot. I should have known better, I mean I really did think maybe, but I just, I can't Elsa. I can't." The words were interlaced with gasps for breath in between the body-wracking sobs.

_She doesn't want you. She never wanted you. You're a fool for ever thinking you stood a chance. _

Elsa pushed down the malignant thoughts, and opened her arms to her sister in a silent request. With a snivel Anna rushed into her sister's embrace, and they held each other tenderly as they wept for what had been lost.

That night Elsa lay curled up on top of her blankets, quietly sobbing into her pillow. _Anna Anna Anna, please don't do this. _

**March 22****nd****, 2019**

The music swelled as Anna and Kristoff began walking down the aisle.

Elsa was at the front of the church, standing with the rest of the bridesmaids, her eyes glued to Anna. _My god Anna, you're the most beautiful woman I've ever seen._ It was true; the redhead wore a gorgeous white dress with multiple layers, gilded along each edge with gold. Draped on her shoulders and sweeping down past her waist was the deep purple shawl that had belonged to their mother.

As she reached the altar at the front, Anna handed her bouquet off to Elsa, giving her a warm smile through her tears of joy. _I want to make you feel this happy. Oh Anna, why are you so perfect? _

The ceremony began, and Elsa distracted herself as best she could. Her eyes stuck on Anna, admiring the charm of her shining copper hair, the adorable way her eyes crinkled at the big goofy grin she couldn't get off her face.

It felt like eternity; Elsa's stomach was twisting in on itself as she had to witness her greatest fear come true.

She knew it wouldn't happen, but a part of her desperately waited for the priest to offer that cheesy line that was always in the movies. _Speak now or forever hold your peace, say it, just say it! _It never came.

Instead she heard Kristoff begin his vows and she desperately scrambled to block out the words. Her heart seemed to stop before kicking into full gear, pounding against her ribs. Some part of her had thought that maybe she would be able to cope with this better, but as time stretched out before her, she knew she never stood a chance. She wanted this moment to last forever, she wanted to be anywhere but here, she wanted it all to end. The seconds ticked by and her dread reached a crescendo as it got closer and closer to Anna's turn.

Silence intruded into Elsa's thoughts. _No no no. Not yet, please not yet, I'm not ready._ Time froze; she stared at Anna looking for a hint — anything to indicate she wouldn't go through with it. She was astounded nobody else could hear her heart, which seemed to be echoing around the vaulted ceiling. _Is she hesitating? Fuck, please Anna, I'm right—_

"With this ring I, Anna Oldenburg, take you, Kristoff Bjorgman, to be no other than yourself. Loving what I know of you, and trusting what I do not yet know, I will respect your integrity and have faith in your abiding love for me, through all our years, and in all that life may bring us."

Elsa's world collapsed. Through sheer force of will she kept her composure, but her soul was in turmoil. _It's real, and it's not me. _

The rest of the formal ceremony sped by, only little snippets processing in Elsa's brain: "…power vested in me…pronounce you husband and…you may kiss the bride."

She couldn't help it, she had to turn away, she couldn't see this. Squeezing her eyes shut, she trembled as a tear leaked out.

In her mind a single thought played on repeat: _I love you Anna; I'll never forget you. _


End file.
